But She is My Baby's Mama

(If you get bored, skip to the 4th full paragraph).

LQA told me she would cut my hair. Jelly Bean told me she would cut my hair. Kaitlin said, hey I'll cut your hair. Long story short, none of them cut my hair. I am not mad; I mean, who am I to ask for a free haircut? Nonetheless, I have been wanting to cut it, and I knew my mom would be SO happy if I came home for the 4th with short hair. So I was disheartened when it was late at night on the 3rd and I had to leave Pittsburgh by 10 am.

I'm walking out of my apartment at 10:15 or so the next morning when my mom calls. She wants to know when I'm coming home for the picnic at 5. I really had thought it was at one, so now a big wad of time fell into my lap. I began the journey anyway (after some Apple Cinnamon Cheerios) and was past the airport on 60 N when I remembered I forgot to stop by the ATM to get toll money. I had spent my last 50 cents on sparklers, so I had no cash on me at all. I got off at the next exit to find nothing. After singing along to the White Album and calling Ram to ask historical trivia about it, I was almost at the first 50 cent toll. Realizing how sidetracked I had gotten, I exited and quickly found a mall. It looked like there were cars in the parking lot, so I went in.

After asking the girl at Kaufmann's (which I swear only had women's clothing making me seem very out of place and mostly creepy), I headed down to the ATM, passing awesome clothing, a movie store, and a place called "Hat Emporium." I had 4 hours to kill so I got some money then went back from whence I had come. The hat place turned out to be wall-2-wall baseball caps, the clothing was all 'spensive as hell, and after 25 min in the movie store (did you know Terry Gilliam is directing a movie of The Brothers Grimm?), I was on my way out.

Just as I was about out the door I passed a Men's Haircut style barber shop. A quick look through the glass revealed 3 barbers, all bald or having buzzed hair. As my normal hair cut experience was having my hair cut by the cast of Will and Grace at a salon on Craig, I figured this would be a nice change of pace. You see, I have never once liked a haircut I got, so I had nothing to lose. I walk in and the younger one (must have been shaved to 1/4" with a pencil-thin beard to hide his obvious whiteness) told me someone would be right with me. As I was walked to the chair by a man who looked like a Vietnam vet with scissors I overheard a bit of the younger guy's conversation with the mustached gentleman in the chair.

Barber: "So she always had these guys texting her and stuff and she was like, 'I'm not flirting'"
Customer: "Hah! Yeah."
Barber: "And then one day I'm sitting by the computer and her AIM is on logged into her account so I look and this guy IM's her"
Customer: "Oh, she is caught..."

I stop listening for a bit while my barber asks me what I want done. I usually just let Will (or Jack depending on the day) do what he thinks will look good, so I say "I am not sure."

"Well, you better decide." He walks into the other room.

Younger barber: "I mean, she's a bitch which is why I broke up with her. But she is my baby's mamma."

Now the stakes have been raised. He is not creepily jealous and over protective of his girlfriend. Noooo. This is his baby's mamma. They continue and I try not to listen.

My barber returns and I tell him I just want it like it is but shorter. He attaches his blade to the kind of trimmer that buzzes as it rips curly locks from my head and begins the carnage. Though a lot of hair is falling, I feel ok about it. Less time before I have to get it cut again. As I awkwardly try to describe how I impulsively walked in on my way to Cleveland, he asks me why I was in Pittsburgh.

Me: "I go to school there."
Barber: "Yeah, what do you study."
(a pound of hair drops to my lap)
Me: "Information systems."
Barber: "Wow! That is great! I mean we need more people like you in this country. Especially now with all the terrorists."

Excuse me?

Barber (continues): "It will be so important to have information to be able to get those terrorists before they attack again."
Me: "Yeah, dirty towel heads."

Ok, so the last sentence didn't happen. But I swear the rest is true. I felt frightened for my head. I must have said something. Probably just agreed nonchalantly. But that was not the kind of company I prefer to keep on the birthday of this nation.

So I sat back and let the cutting (into what he called a "fade" and then later "shaped") finish, all the while imagining our founding fathers with smirks on their faces, signing a document and thinking, "See Britain. We can make people feel unjustly unwelcome and persecuted too."

The sad part is, I kind of like the haircut. It's kind of short, but it's not too bad. It's been shorter. So if I ignore all the rest of it, I can take comfort in the fact that I will never see either barber again and that my $12 was $12 well spent."