Morning Report.
I decided since I've been vomitting once-delicious sushi all night, I might as well post while I wait around to see if I feel safe going to sleep again.
For the first time in as long as I can remember I actually feared death last night. To the point that I almost cried. I never usually worried about it much. The train of thought took some turns, but eventually went something like this. We have spent much of my time home since Killington celebrating my father's life on this, the 4th anniversary of his death. I was thinking about the somewhat consoling fact that he led such a full life; we had a happy and loving though as always dysfunctional family, and he had a job he loved. So many people told us that only the good die young. Then, morbid as it may be, I began to think about the members of my family whose health is declining. My uncle Marc, still quite young, has been on the list for a second liver transplant for years now. His belly gets so full of fluid in a week or two that he has trouble walking up stairs. And my grandma who I saw at least once a week growing up and have just kind of come to expect being around can't do half the things she used to. She was always so incredibly independent and now she lets me drive if we are running an errand right down the street. Then we watched this movie called Paper Clips which had, among other things, Holocaust survivors describing their experiences and I started to think about how I don't even have to be unhealthy to die. Someone in a car or robbing a store or the result of being drafted could take me at anytime.
So what's the big deal? Well the big deal is this. Over the past semester and since, I have been becoming more and more "good". Not in the Mother Theresa sense, but in the sense that a number of people told me I have had a greatly positive impact on their lives. I am honestly so happy with my life right now that I really wouldn't want anything major to change (well, almost anything). I feel like I am well-positioned to make some kind of difference to at least some company and a few people in the rest of my life. Which makes me start to fear the aforementioned addage. I just can't imagine it all stopping. It really does scare me and I don't like it.
I even had a dream a few weeks ago which involved me falling to my death and oh, the thoughts one thinks when one is falling to one's death.
For the first time in as long as I can remember I actually feared death last night. To the point that I almost cried. I never usually worried about it much. The train of thought took some turns, but eventually went something like this. We have spent much of my time home since Killington celebrating my father's life on this, the 4th anniversary of his death. I was thinking about the somewhat consoling fact that he led such a full life; we had a happy and loving though as always dysfunctional family, and he had a job he loved. So many people told us that only the good die young. Then, morbid as it may be, I began to think about the members of my family whose health is declining. My uncle Marc, still quite young, has been on the list for a second liver transplant for years now. His belly gets so full of fluid in a week or two that he has trouble walking up stairs. And my grandma who I saw at least once a week growing up and have just kind of come to expect being around can't do half the things she used to. She was always so incredibly independent and now she lets me drive if we are running an errand right down the street. Then we watched this movie called Paper Clips which had, among other things, Holocaust survivors describing their experiences and I started to think about how I don't even have to be unhealthy to die. Someone in a car or robbing a store or the result of being drafted could take me at anytime.
So what's the big deal? Well the big deal is this. Over the past semester and since, I have been becoming more and more "good". Not in the Mother Theresa sense, but in the sense that a number of people told me I have had a greatly positive impact on their lives. I am honestly so happy with my life right now that I really wouldn't want anything major to change (well, almost anything). I feel like I am well-positioned to make some kind of difference to at least some company and a few people in the rest of my life. Which makes me start to fear the aforementioned addage. I just can't imagine it all stopping. It really does scare me and I don't like it.
I even had a dream a few weeks ago which involved me falling to my death and oh, the thoughts one thinks when one is falling to one's death.
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