Dealing with Life.

I figured I would post this here to avoid the awkwardness of trying to tell people. Alex and I are no longer dating. My first 4 hours of singleness have been met with a lot of crying and even more looking aimlessly at things while thinking of little else. Though my top choices of people I could talk to in dealing with this are all in various other cities, I luckily have the support of the few and the proud SnS folks who remain in Pittsburgh. I feel all sorts of emotions: anger, depression, frustration, confusion, but at this point mostly just feel like nothing. Like I'm just sort of guiding my body through my day with very little understanding of what I'm doing.

I've verified that I am indeed very hard to break up with despite the fact that people just seem to keep doing it. I really don't have the best relationship resume in the breakup department. I'm now 4-1 for getting broken up with in relationships that were arguably real. But this one genuinely did surprise me to some extent. I knew last night it was inevitable, but I still didn't really believe it. I mean, I honestly understand much of what Alex was saying and was even having some similar feelings in these waning weeks of communication with her, but my possible solutions usually involved things like talking it over and some crazier ideas to think about before calling it quits after we had 19 months invested in each other. Anyway, this is turning into complaining. All I will say is that I think the reasons she had were mostly logical and I wouldn't want her to fight these inexplicable feelings, but I would have liked to have some part in the decisive process.

There's little other news. But I've described the whole affair thrice already in varying degrees of detail and just wanted to put that synopsis out there to avoid future explanations. After 5 hours, I still am in love with her, which makes it difficult to do much of anything in this city where we have had memorable moments just about anywhere I can go. Tonight I have something to occupy my time (though it may be at Webster which I am now thinking might be the worst idea of all time) but if you have exciting things to do this week, I encourage you to let me know.

I'm going to miss the constant mess of Webster and the voyage into living with a new roommate there. But that's just the start of a lengthy, depressing list. I also picked a great time to have just told the story of our beginning, pineapple and all. Ugh, this post must end.