w00t.

After such a rough weekend, I had a fantastically enjoyable evening tonight. Improv was awesome. A random 20 min dinner was also most enjoyable. Then Gowtham called while I was waiting for him in the cluster to tell me he was in New Jersey and wouldn't get back until 9:30. This meant no Mean Girls. So I started working on 415 and son of a bitch I actually implemented both buffer replacement strategies we needed all on my own. There's still another half of the assignment in testing and making graphs and such, but I feel so much better about it. So I decided to do other work during the production meeting, which was also enjoyable despite the stupid 10 min of board meeting that it followed. And then I decided to wait for Gowtham's call in McConomy. Funny too because I would have left to go to Joes if I had his number. While that might have been fun as well, I had such a good time that I am glad I didn't.

The whole punchline to this stupid story is that Mean Girls is an awesome movie despite its ass-poor directing and the stupidness of any reference to Africa. Then I had an unbelieveably good time hanging out with what started out as Lisa, Zach, Kami, and Ashley, then turned quickly into Lisa and Zach and then later evolving into Julie Brown and random awesome people from Morewood 4-CD. Man that's a cool floor. I felt old but it was a lot of fun and I got a lot of work done.

So Zach I am sorry if you didn't really want to hang out with me, but morewood 4 cd is my favorite place of the night.

Pressure Chief.

this album is going to rawk.

10 Things I love.

1. Tea, but usually only when I'm sick.

2. Not being sick

3. Bringing the joy of amplitude into the lives of others

4. Playing amplitude into the wee hours of the morning

5. Entertaining (in the having people over sense)

6. Cooking food (even if just an i-have-no-food omlette)

7. Franz Ferdinand (I've had a love-hate relationship with them lately...currently love)

8. Having an appointment with a professor to sketch web designs.

9. Having enough free time to start memorizing Bat Boy lines

10. Catherine Hofler (sorry Gerrit, but she just divided the worry in my life by 800)

What?

Ring ring...ring ring...

Hello?
Brian, hey this is life calling.
Oh hey, it's been a while, how are you?
I'm good. I just wanted to let you know I'm on my way home.
You're coming back?
Yeah, the coast is nice but I wouldn't want to LIVE there.
Seriously.
Well I'll see you around then.
Yeah, sounds good. We'll hang out.


That was a proverbial phone call that happened earlier today...proverbially. Also, while brushing my teeth this morning I was lamenting, as I so often do, about needing to shave it occurred to me that I could actually shave daily. I shave and then, by the next day, I actually need to shave again to not look scruffy. That's monumental! I can't believe I didn't notice it before. I am actually progressing on the dusty trail from pre-pubescence to a land of milk and honey and five o'clock shadows. Oh, manhood, such a love and hate relationship we have.

The things people do with the internet.

This weekend.

This is going to be a post in which I complain about things. If that doesn't suit your reading fancy, go to the next blog on your list.

This weekend was amazing. If it weren't for my IS project. I waited until what might have well as been the last minute and turned in entirely sub-par work on what should have been a really easy first assignment. They even gave us a big list of test cases and said make sure you...

nevermind. aim just made my day. even though i am still going to suck this semester.

Holy crap.

The Spine is the greatest album ever made. Ok that's probably not true, but it is amazingly good. I keep worrying I will over-listen to it, but desire little else in the way of music aside from slight fluctuations. One song after another of lyrical, musical greatness, shaped over the course of a delightful hour (or probably more)

Who is this person that is me? I don't know. I hope he stays around for a while.

Anecdote is a funny looking word.

Hmm, this blog is misleading, so I should post.

So I have wondered this for a while, but I was really thinking about it today. Advanced apologies if this is horribly insensitive, but is it wrong of me to use the wheelchair accessible stall in public bathrooms? As long as I can remember, I always use it if it's available. It's always at the end of the row and sooo roomy. You feel like your in your own little bathroom. You can hang up your bag on the hook and just make yourself at home. I am always a little worried when I walk out that some guy in a wheelchair will be staring at the door angrily at the door and then zoom by me in a flurry of arm propulsion. But it's never happened. So does everyone else avoid it?

Horrifying.

I was minding my own business in the shower this morning. Lathering, rinsing, repeating. When my eye is drawn to one of the tiles in front of me by a sudden movement. I look closer (because my glasses didn't make it in with me) and staring back at me is an eight-legged, bulbous-bodied quarter inch of hairy spider. So as I stare at it nakedly, water dripping down, wondering what to do, it occurs to me that screaming and running out of the shower will do nothing but leave the spider in the shower, myself still entirely unclean, and my bathroom wet. And what's the point really? James Steidel will not be along to come and kill it for me.

So I finished my shower, dryed myself off (which I happen to do inside the shower in case you've never showered with me), and killed the spider. I didn't muster the strength to figure out a way of saving the disgusting little thing's life, but I just grabbed a tissue, smothered it, and flushed it to a sewery grave.

For no one.

Your day breaks, your mind aches
You find that all the words of kindness linger on
When she no longer needs you

She wakes up, she makes up
She takes her time and doesn’t feel she has to hurry
She no longer needs you

And in her eyes you see nothing
No sign of love behind the tears
Cried for no one
A love that should have lasted years!

You want her, you need her
And yet you don’t believe her when she said her love is dead
You think she needs you

And in her eyes you see nothing
No sign of love behind the tears
Cried for no one
A love that should have lasted years!

You stay home, she goes out
She says that long ago she knew someone but now he’s gone
She doesn’t need him

Your day breaks, your mind aches
There will be time when all the things she said will fil your head
You won’t forget her

And in her eyes you see nothing
No sign of love behind the tears
Cried for no one
A love that should have lasted years!

Surprise! I'm sad again.

Today still proved to be my longest stint of prolonged feelings of hope. There were even times that I really thought it couldn't get bad again because I felt so good. The worst part is not being able to control or predict when it swings. But I made it to improv feeling good, which always makes the experience better. And I made it through another day. But as I keep pushing the extremes, I am worried. I was so high, I am worried about how low it will go. I wanted nothing more than to go to Morewood with Zach or Webster with everyone in the world who lives there. Something about it just kept yelling to me it could only make it worse.

Tyson, I should really give you back the alcohol that's still in my apartment.

Children are the future.

Slightly more than 12 hours after agonizing about an inability to feel actual happiness, today happened. It was after the roughest night in a while and a hard morning, but then it just worked. I don't know, all the elements came together. Alex did something that started to upset me, but then I just didn't care. I felt like a real person, doing work and leading a real life for the first time in a long time. Not longing to be in another place or another time. Just being here.

And I didn't have a recitation I thought I did, so I am going to go home and celebrate with amplitude.

I wish I could do this in my building.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
h!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Suck.

Blogspot didn't let me publish my blog for a long time today in case you were wondering how that post just appeared.

Some things will never ever be like they once were. I have to accept that.

Lots of homework to do. I wish Bat Boy rehearsals would start.

Every order has within it the germ of destruction.

That was from a book I am reading for class. I am on page xxii of 82 and the class is at 3:30 today.

Will happiness ever be mine again?

No matter how many good things happen to me, no matter how many wonderful people talk to me and support me, no matter how long a stretch of time I am able to keep my mind off of things, it doesn't matter. I am wasting it all with an inability to enjoy anything I do.

At least I'll have the Eternal Sunshine soundtrack in 4 days.

Cesspool of Cool.

So many things have happened since I last posted on an emotional front that it's not even worth getting into. I do want to say though that the removal of the lexor link on the right is not a bitter or angry move, but merely in the hopes that I won't feel the need to click it so often if it isn't there.

Other crazy things have happened. We had a Bat Boy production meeting. I am in charge, I guess, of making the video stuff happen at the end, which is an exciting, yet daunting task. I have some ideas with the potential to work really well, but do I have the experience, technical knowledge, and creative intuition to realize said potential? Time will tell.

Improv started. I'll post something when I know how I really feel about it.

Yesterday during the meeting I received an unexpected phone call. Steve, one of my best friends in high school (snevelis on the right) joined the Peace Corps and is going to Turkmenistan. He had a flight to Washington, D.C. today around now actually and will have some very basic training until Wednesday night when he leaves for his real training in Turkmenistan. He will be gone for 2 years with some vacations but not enough resources to take them in the states. So he is pretty much gone. The phone call that segued to this paragraph was in fact from him on the eve of his departure. He's leaving for 2 years and hadn't in fact started packing (he had merely stacked stuff together) by 9:30pm, but he still returned my call from a few days earlier. I have rarely felt so highly complimented. We had a nice little chat and I managed to avoid talking about myself the entire time. I did learn a lot about Turkmenistan and what the experience entails, but eventually his need to pack took over and so I now just await communication some time between a number of months and, well, 2 years from now.

Additionally, yesterday morning I walked back from Wizzo 403 to find a message on my answering machine in Amberson. It was from someone who I was not nearly good enough friends with in high school, but we've managed to become closer since. Laurel had moved in at Sarah Lawrence this weekend and had promptly pierced her lip. It's a little hoop, on the right side of her lower lip. I called her last night and left a voicemail which was apparently entertaining and resulted in a return call this morning. Still in awe of her coolness, she told me about all of the dance classes (she has like 8), acting classes (I think only one this semester, but it is her field of study), and other crazy classes she is taking and I realized how much happier I would be if I were her. Then again, I'd be much happier to be a lot of people right now.

I also realized how happy it always makes me to get a phone call. I guess it's kind of the reason Mulberry says "Somebody loves you" when I get new emails. I just know that someone thinks I'm worth the time and energy of dialing my number, and subsequently I can't be entirely void of worth.

Right.

For the 3rd post of the night, I just got really introspective doing dishes.

1) As hard as life is, I have the best friends in the world.

2) As awkward as it may be at times, I don't know what I would do if I didn't have what Alex and I have. Hopefully soon I'll feel comfortable being having that friendship with others around.

3) Liquor, in moderation, is a beautiful thing.

4) Bang and amplitude are, at all times, beautiful things.

5) If you're reading this, it is highly likely that I love you.

Why do I torture myself?

Seriously. Blogs are the worst invention ever.

Hmm....

I learned today that I am not, in fact, incapable of haveing fun. I am slightly buzzed and the happiest I have been in a couple days!! Eternal Sunshine was not at all sad...I didn't even cry. But Charlie Kaufman, I have foubnd is profound on the first go and really funny on the secpond. So muuch funnier.

FYI, I am just not correcting the ridiculous typos that I am making because it ;looks drunker :) But I am making them.

Anyway, Katie Wallat and I should talk more. And everyone who came tonight in genral should hang out with me more.

But my happiness comes at a price. I know of two people who are not doing so well in my glimpse of light, and they really did have much of my thought and love tonight. And honestly, at least one of them has done so much for me that said person should call if there is any need for talking or just companionship.

Maybe there really is hope for the future. In the mean time, I need to clean pizza off my floor, do some dishes, play some amplitude, and then go the hell to sleep.

Randomness.

I am again at work at 8am. I don't get any sleep, but I don't think I would mind maybe one of these a week. It gets me to start my days early and I kind of like the peace and quiet of campus this early. Look at me, all enjoying quiet.

The quiet I quickly eradicate with a lot of Cake anyway. I have decided that no matter what the circumstances, Cake will always understand and tell me what I need to hear. Even if that is just Arco Arena. I really wish Pressure Chief would start existing.

Something about me needs to change if someone who knows me really well is afraid that I will be mad if a paper napkin is "wasted" in order to write me a note.

While I'm still a little upset about missing good old strgbd trivia and ribs, I am glad I got to see people last night, even if only for a minute.

I didn't get into Survey of Forms: Screenwriting. Super suck.

I might end up dropping my Software Architecture to take a film class I hope I like that Tyson is in. I am not looking forward to going to filmmakers, nor taking their stupid theory class. I have to figure it out soon though.

That's all for now. I might post again later if I can't do anymore homework out of sheer boredom.