Oh!

It just occurred to me that when I'm all mentally healthy again, I can look back through the archives and recall this turbulent time in the form of blog entries. And remember all the people who rawked me to happiness.

Busy work.

I went to more classes today. My first professor thought the class was later, so he never showed up. So I talked to Nina a lot, made things out of note card paper, and bought a Jones soda. I also ran into Michael Cumin, which is always fun, and Zach (the one who's dating Katie Wallat, not the one with the curly black hair).

I guess I just assumed going to the first day of my classes would make it easy for me to decide what to keep and what to drop. It's not. Even harder in fact, because I want to keep all of them and have to start reading and working. But something has to go.

Everyone in the video collection can only work during the middle of the day. It sucks. I can't work any evening we are open, which means I will likely have to suck up an 8am regular shift.

Scott et al is going to Dumpy's tonight, I assume for all you can eat ribs or whatever. I regret not driving from Cleveland last time they went. I really want to go now. Stupid class!

In other news (a segue I seem to so often use), I was falling asleep in Database Applications today, when I decided to keep myself away by writing. I turned the page and just started to write. It was just thoughts that I so often have and so often tell people, always slightly more or less developed. It started to work its way into something that had lines instead of paragraphs. I don't want to say poetry because it's not. I was just writing words that happened to be on a new line where I felt like it. But it was freeing in some way. I would even post it if it wasn't a lot of what I always say I won't post in my blog.

Is there hope for the future? Will I ever be happy and whole and at peace again? I don't know. But Alex tells me I will. And I trust her.

Float on.

I listened to a lot of music today. It is starting to help more and more. I want to do a + and - list for today, but I feel like a lot of my -'s would be more than most people want to read. So let's do the +'s and just the lighter -'s.

+ I made orange rolls this morning
- I didn't get to eat them because they weren't done in time
+ I get to eat them this morning.
- Hunt is really really lonely in the morning.
+ I got a lot of software installed and had a magnificent convo with Katie Wallat. Where these friends of mine come from I don't know.
+ I ran into Michal and Aditi today. It was so nice to finally see them both again.
- I really miss hanging out with them. And I literally ran into them and got the vibe that they don't really want to hang out with me anymore.
+ I love a lot of people. A lot.
+ I really need to hang out with the following people more: Tyson (I lived with him and never took advantage of his being there), KT Wallat, Sarah Smith, Rachel Dougnac, Zach Harris again, and I am sure there are more.
+ PG rehearsal was a lot of fun. The most I've laughed in at least the entire summer. I am really looking forward to making NPP my number 1 priority.
+ We have at least one person to teach a TC workshop and a web site designer.
- My laptop is really heavy and my bike, some CD's I need, and my helmet are all on campus.
- I went to readme. It sucked. Both I suck and it sucked.
- I can't remember a time in my life having this low self-esteem. This is borderline more than people want to know. But I've always been pretty confident and I hate it.
+ Atom is also wonderful. I can't remember meeting a nicer person.
+ / - Classes exist.
- This is the longest +/- list ever.

3 / 10

It just occurred to me how I started this blog so people would not have to deal with the stupid depressed whining of my old xanga. Now I just scrolled through and 3 out of the 10 posts (this one will change that I guess) that are on my index page were in any way not just mopy. My first thought is I am most often a happy person, I should change that. But even PG rehearsal tonight, the thought of which had been the light at the end of my shitty Monday tunnel, is starting to loose it's glimmer. Maybe it's just too far away.

Yeah so it's 8:33am and I'm awake. Supplanting my lonely apartment existence by sitting all alone in the basement of Hunt for 3 and a half hours.

In other news, part of me thought that music would help. It does at least change things. At Alex's suggestion, Tyson burned me some CD's, namely The Spine and Good News for People Who Like Bad News. I have now listened to the former 1.5 times and the latter once. Both exceptional. They do help me to stop thinking and just let myself feel. Granted the feelings are still conflicted and mostly depressed, at least I can just feel them.

I also tried to reinstall my OS, which is challenging because the way my HP works, I just install the factory image as opposed to just reinstalling Windows. First attempt, unsuccessful.

I guess this won't change the 3/10.

God only knows.

This is going to be a long week.

An irritatingly long list of apologies.

My sincerest thanks to Nina, Emily, Todd, Tyson, Scott, and Katie for being the best people in the world. I also wanted to publicly apologize for being rude. I have often done things for attention, but the events of this night were not intended to be that in any way. I wasn't planning on leaving the party permanently when I walked out, so I did not say goodbye. When that plan changed, I called Tyson to try to ensure no one would worry about me in any way and to apologize for not saying goodbye. He apparently didn't get this until people already were worried, so sorry if I upset anyone.

I just was looking forward so much to drinking myself into a stupor and playing silly party games more than anyone can know. But I guess I just couldn't get drunk fast enough. Anyway, I apologize to anyone whose life I affected with my emotional instability. I told people I thought this would not be awkward despite Alex and I having mostly the same friends. I will still try to make this easy on you all but it is really really hard. I knew at least last night I needed time away from her, but it was just so upsetting because all I wanted to do was go to that party, hang out with the people I love, and take back some alcohol in the process.

Reeling in the years

It may be temporary and short lived, but I finally stopped feeling alone. At least for right now. It's been a long time since I've actually just talked to Alex and while I was selfish, stupid, and bitter when doing so, it still made me happy.

Complicated.

Ms. Lavigne I ask you, why DOES everything have to be so complicated.

For the first time, I want classes to start. Actually I want them to have started. In fact, I kind of want it to be next semester. All this wanting.

Here is the schedule I am going to attempt the first week of classes. The conflict goes to the pink on Monday and, based on that knowledge, I will decide about Wednesday.

I don't want classes to start again. Where is the voice that tells me everything will be ok?

Desperately Seeking Susan.

Sorry. That last post was selfish.

I finally called my management office today to tell them my burner is broken. I also told them that, and this is true, my air conditioner hasn't been working almost at all in the past 2 days. It took me a long time to realize too, because it was still making noises and sounding fine. But very little air has been coming out of it.

I came to campus to buy my books today. I've never done that before (buy books before classes started) and I think I still did it too late to get a lot of used books. Not to mention the fact that I still really have no idea what classes I am going to take, I haven't even decided which one of the two that are at the same time monday i am attending. i guess i stopped using capitals.

Amplitude still hasn't come. In my time of need, I could use some good old fashioned track blasting.

I was also thinking this morning of opening up a challenge. If you made it this far, you can enter my challenge. To enter, just post a comment in response to this post with your name (so i know who you are) and your prediction of the name of the next girl I will call my girlfriend (or boy my boyfriend if you feel I am heading in that direction). All entries accepted, but with a limit of two per person. Be prepared, it may take a while for the winner to be validated. The winner will receive one (hopefully) delicious dinner cooked by me. Yes that's right, I will make you dinner (or buy it if you really prefer). There is really no strategy, you are just predicting the future.

Ugh.

I had a really great time tonight. Napoleon Dynamite was unbelievably good. I really enjoyed it. And I really want to have been a part of making it. Oh well.

Mike Yin's place is amazing. Greg's was a lot of fun. But then always, inevitably, I come back home. While I still enjoy my apartment, the dishes and trash to take out just aren't very good company. I apologize in advance, but I have a little bit of beer in my and loneliness hit me like a brick wall. I just come back to the apartment that was supposed to be a place where Alex and I could be alone from time to time. I always imagined sitting doing homework, watching digital cable, and eating cheese and crackers into the wee hours of the morning.

But it's not even about Alex. Janet and Greg are back together, Erik and Lisa are getting fucking married, and Nina is already having fanciful moonlight nature walks with some guy she will inevitably date for 4 years. So many people are in love and happy. Even Alex has a new pair of shoes and closure about something. The worst is, the beer I drank tonight was the first alcohol that has touched these lips since my fated Sunday afternoon convo with Al. Despite my best efforts to dance, drink, and be merry, all of them are far from happening.

In closing, if you hung out with me tonight, I don't want you to feel bad (if you might have been). I didn't know this was coming until now. I just hate being alone! I promised myself not to say more than a sentence more about this breakup but something in me just wants to scream from rooftops. I'm bitter, I can't get over it, I am not dealing with it at all as well as I think I am! I AM that guy who posts stupid angsty breakup posts in his blog because he just can't move on. I AM that guy who I hate who puts his business in the street so that people read it and realize he's a wreck right now and give him meaningless, patronizing pity. Do I want your pity? Maybe. I don't know. I don't know what I want at all.

Ok, I do. I want to curl up next to someone and go to sleep. I want to hold someone's hand who's silently telling me no matter what happens, she's there. She has me and I have her no matter what. I want to tell someone I love them and mean it in every sense I've ever known the word to mean.

I should go to sleep.

So much time, so little to do.

Wait, reverse that.

I was on a "student panel" at an incoming faculty orientation this morning. That was very exciting as is any opportunity for me to talk at length. Of the 4 students, I knew 2 of them which was interesting. Rachel Gross was there (speaking of people who like to talk if given the opportunity) and Gowtham who I doubt many who read this blog know. It was entertaining and I got a free lunch. But it made me late to work, so I ran to Hunt from Roberts Hall (which exists, btw) only to realize I forgot my bookbag, so I did the trip twice more.

The new computer at work doesn't have AIM, so AIM express is around and sucking like always.

Anyway, I don't have much other news other than you should all come see Napolean Dynamite tonight!!!!

Down we go.

My insane week of getting stuff done in cleveland turned slowly into a last few days of getting less done, and now that i'm back has warped into some days of getting nothing done. Well, not nothing. I did re-code the npp games database. but i had a plan that involved planning 3 npp workshops a day and then i was 2 behind and now i'm edging on 4. i really enjoy doing it, but it takes me a bit of time and when i finish one, i usually just want to play spiderman.

in other news, i dyed my hair. i had mixed feelings going into it, and now i have mixed feelings anyway. i like the color, but it will fade soon, and it means i can't bring back the afro for a long time, at least until i cut all this out. i also don't think a lot of other people like it, because it's really not all that cool. but whatev. i had wanted to do it, and so i did.

i am honestly not really looking forward to the semester academically at all. i am going to be super busy again because i am stupid, and i just can't imagine returning to the hectic life of doing homework and taking classes.

on the plus side, i was talking to leslie today and we both really want to take an sns trip to a beach or a skiing kind of a place. apparently there's a ski club on campus, but i don't think i would really go on outings with them, as i don't likely know any of them.

ah well, i guess it's not all too bad. i should really plan some workshops.

You Turn the Screws.

Today's the big move. A ton of people (or at least 2) are coming out to our house to help Jenny move her stuff into the truck and rope it down and all that. Then tonight we are having a big dinner. I asked Jenny if her and Travis (her bf) would want to go see Garden State with me afterwards. Her, and my mother's, lack of interest, combined with the fact that all of my friends who are really exited about it (Laurel, Alex, etc.) have already seen it, leads me to believe I will be seeing it alone or not at all. This makes me sad. How can anyone not want to see it?!? I also want to see Napolean Dynamite, but it looks like the only one I might see is stupid-ass Collateral with Tom stupid-ass Cruise.

Speaking of which, I kind of want to be Laurel Atwell. Not only does she see every movie I've ever want to see way before I do, but she's going to a respectable theate college to study acting and will be living 20 min from NYC. That's the crazy.

Anyway, I have to go.

Race car ya-ya's.

Well I've found these past few days to be quite interesting. I am constantly being either entirely selfish (playing PS2 or working on personal projects) or being mostly selfless (shoveling the ditch out for my mother or moving furniture with my sister). The mix has led me to accomplish a lot and feel a little warm and fuzzy inside all at the same time. While Alex would assuredly mock these sentiments, it's true.

No one is here. My friend Laurel I hung out with and everyone else in the entire town of Bainbridge, OH is gone. I went out to dinner with my mom tonight. While enjoyable, not my idea of a night on the town.

This summer is finally looking like it will have been productive. Already, I am fearing the impending doom of Fall semester. Classes alone would be scary, but factor in 30 inexperienced improvers and a board project that sounds good on paper to all but those who we are trying to get come help with it, and you have yourself a regular mess. Not to mention all of the lovely little reminders of that other thing I get to deal with.

What is this post even about? No one knows. For a fleeting, glimmering, golden day or two this summer I felt really at peace with myself. Now that's mostly flushed down the shitter.

Ups and Downs.

Last night, I helped my sister carry a lot of heavy things down stairs. She's moving to Nashville this weekend, which is scary a little bit, but I am quite proud of her. She's almost like a real person now. Anyway, in the course of this process, my mother was trying to superglue the handle back onto her Segway (it's actually her company's and she has to send it all over the country for demos, and it got broken off in shipping). She came upstairs with two of her fingers glued together and two glued to the bottle of superglue. After getting over the utter ridiculousness of the situation, we realized her fingers were actually completely inseperable. My sister and I soaked the fingers in alcohol and warm soapy water and Jenny massaged them until they came unstuck (in just under an hour). I don't remember laughing that much in a long time. I find it surprising how much I have been enjoying this trip home, despite none of my good friends being here. It made me feel much better.

I drummed through most of Bat Boy yesterday. While the opening couple songs are fun, the rest is pretty boring. The music is in more interesting time sigs than Little Shop, but it's mostly crash here, hit the bass drum here, and less actual rock drumming. But I am still really looking forward to being in a pit, even if we are on the stairs in McConomy.

People really liked The Fool. That makes me inexplicably happy. It was so much work and I remember sitting in Webster the night before we were supposed to start filming thiniking "This is insane! I can't do this! There's so much to do and I don't know anything about it." So I'm glad it turned out well. It, more than anything up until now, gets me really excited about possibly actually pursuing something interesting for once.

Speaking of which, I had coffee with my friend Laurel who I hadn't seen in far too long. It was buckets of fun, and I found out she is going to Sarah Lawrence to study acting. So I kind of hate her. While most people I've ever known to pursue the craft mostly sucked, she's actually quite talented in my opinion, so I hate her even more. But that's so cool for her. And I told her I would come visit her (and I added that really meant come see shows in her company).

I also learned that Cake sounds so much different in this kind of a time in a person's life. So much different.

Today's been overall a good day.

i want to cry

forever.

5 Golden Rings

1. Mozilla just made the "Create a New Post" button freak out. That was weird.

2. So I have a computer at work again!! Which is good. I brought my laptop to work today, but it is busy rendering The Fool for the next hour or so, so this gives me something interesting to do.

3. The Fool is done. I did 3 menu's for the DVD which I all like quite a bit. I still have to record the commentary tracks, but that shouldn't take long. Then I can burn it and party! It is sad that I am skipping out on wings (most likely) to burn this DVD, but I was up until 4am last night working on it in the somewhat silly hope of getting it done before I leave Saturday. I didn't even use to have to leave by any time Saturday, but now Laurel and I are hanging out saturday night. I'm far more excited than I should be for it, but I never really got to know her that well in high school, and she is one of the coolest people ever.

4. The night after my sister left, I realized that half the reason I have been doing fine until I get home at night is just that. I get home. And it's a big empty apartment with none but digital cable and leftovers to keep me company. I always told Alex I would get lonely living by myself and she agreed but said it wouldn't matter because I wouldn't be there much (which is true) and she would be there a lot when I am (which is why I didn't realize until today why it made me so sad to be really alone).

So if anyone wants to have a sleepover for no apparent reason (like in high school) bring a movie or a Yu-Gi-Oh deck and come on over. Or at least SnS should have more sleep overs. Until the semester starts and everyone's busy. So, like, tomorrow.

5. Anyway, this is going nowhere. I'm actually somewhat giddy with excitement to have this DVD project so close to being crossed off my list. Now I have only 9 million other things to do. I have to get Greg some theatrecraft content ASAP so he can make us a website. I have to work on my 9 crazy Fifth Year Scholar essays. I have to at least crack open the Fulbright application to have a looksee. I should also either get on the NPP videos or find someone to do it.

Mid-week Weekend.

So this was a crazy mid-week weekend. I worked until 3 on Tuesday and then I walked over to UPMC for a dermatologist appointment. When I was there the real doctor told me that this young woman who spoke reasonably poor English was going to "talk to me first." That was worthless and then the real doctor came and it was real again. It was interesting.

Then, my sister was supposed to leave Cleveland at 4, but she called at 4 saying she would leave at 4:30. This, I knew, meant the earliest I could expect her to leave was 5, and I turned out to be exactly right. In the mean time, I drove Adam to the bank and then we hung out for a bit. Which was fun. He told me he had 4 Pirates tickets and no one to go with, so I told him I'd ask the sis.

Jenny came and we made Apricot Pork Chops and Spaetzel. She got lost driving into Shadyside and was allegedly in an area where "shootings and dirty deals" were occuring. This area I can only assume to be East Liberty or Shadyside because all she did was drive down Center. We ate the delectible food, watched Digital Cable (we get like 5 channels at home because my mom doesn't watch TV), and then talked for a really long time. She made me see some things differently and I am eternally grateful for it. While I still have moments of despair and sadness, they seem to be coming less and less frequently, which is always a plus.

The next day we got Brugger's and Bubble Tea and talked to Scoot and Katie for 4.2 enjoyable seconds. We did the radio show and went to the Pirates game (drinking some beer in a bar before, and by drinking beer I mean Adam, his cousin, and Jenny drank beer while I enjoyed a tall glass of water), and then went to see the Donnie Darko director's cut. Which, while more depressing, was also much much better and subsequently worth more than the $5 I paid for it. (Which is good, because I actually paid $15).

Cookies were made this morning, I woke up a poor SigEp kid to get Jenny's stuff, and tried very unsuccessfully to give her directions home that didn't confuse her greatly. After stickering some stuff at work, my laptop is giving me solace from our temporary lack of working computer. So here's to one more night before the Yinzer Party and my own drive to Cleveland (raises glass)!

Negativity is not a lengthy visitor.

Not much time, but I feel much better today. Thanks and Love to Atom and my sister.

No computer makes Brian a dull boy.

The computer at work is dead. Blue screen of crashing death, no help from a restart, etc. But IT is on it, so it will be fixed within the month. Nonetheless, my Internet access is limited to a little computer in the corner. As I don't really want to sit here very long, this means I will likely not be on AIM or connected in any way for the remainder of the evening. Sad. And I almost brought my laptop today.

Firefox and Limelight have turned my life around. I never really got into Opera, and I knew it would take me a while to customize. Firefox imported all my settings and bookmarks and is just so loveable. Limelight too. Their the best.

I am working at the Fool slowly but surely. Midterm and one of my high school videos are in digital form, leaving the Fool, two other hs videos, menus to design, and commentary tracks to record. I thought I was doing well until I wrote that sentence. I did, however, learn that making videos stream with Flash 2004 is as easy as the easiest thing ever, so that project won't take quite as long. Exciting day. Although the fool is getting harder to harder for a number of reasons. Namely I was working on it this past weekend, Alex likes it a lot and she told me she wants a copy, and she's in it, though only for about 30 seconds.

I'd say one sentence about her is admirable. Ok two. Damn it. My sister is coming to visit me!!! She said she wanted to sometime over the summer, and what a better time then now? It's actually funny that my sister happened to call me shortly after the break up. I'm not so good at remembering to tell my family things most of the time, so who knows when they would have found out. This is more about that isn't it. Look over there ->

Tuppence a bag.

I'm in one of those times where I feel all right. They seem to come off and on. I am so used to talking to Alex in times like this. There's so much more (as always) I want to say, but even more I want to know. But she's right. I knew I shouldn't have called the once, and I really shouldn't again. Since yesterday, I've thought of at least 3 ways to have approached solving some or all of the problems she mentioned at the time of breaking that don't involve breaking up. But some of them I feel know one but me would consider, and it doesn't matter anyway.

I've thought of doing some things I'll likely regret. But how long has it been since I've done anything regrettable.

Unrelatedly, I want to sincerely thank from the bottom of my heart and soul the 4 people who have talked to me at length while I was sobbing uncontrollably. I am sure you had other more interesting things to do then listen to me try 4 times to speak sensible words, but it means the world to me. Or even if I wasn't crying but you listened to me ramble anyway. God only knows where I would be with out you.

I should really stop posting entries like this. Sorry if this has become uninteresting to read. It does make me feel a little more peaceful to talk about it, and so when no one's on the phone I feel the need to blog. Maybe I'll just start writing in a journal and stop bothering you all with my whimpering.

So imagine me juggling cabbages while on one of those bicycles with one really big wheel and one really little one, humming the Entertainer. That must be uplifting and enjoyable.

Am I that guy?

Who posts a lot to his blog about his breakup all the time? Yeah, I guess so. I don't know what to do! What do you do when you just are in a state you haven't been in for over a year?!? Every activity I engage in just seems to make me more sad. I don't want to do anything but I want to do something. I want to call someone but I don't want to talk about it. I want to forget everything. I should really stay in pgh for the liquor this weekend.

Dealing with Life.

I figured I would post this here to avoid the awkwardness of trying to tell people. Alex and I are no longer dating. My first 4 hours of singleness have been met with a lot of crying and even more looking aimlessly at things while thinking of little else. Though my top choices of people I could talk to in dealing with this are all in various other cities, I luckily have the support of the few and the proud SnS folks who remain in Pittsburgh. I feel all sorts of emotions: anger, depression, frustration, confusion, but at this point mostly just feel like nothing. Like I'm just sort of guiding my body through my day with very little understanding of what I'm doing.

I've verified that I am indeed very hard to break up with despite the fact that people just seem to keep doing it. I really don't have the best relationship resume in the breakup department. I'm now 4-1 for getting broken up with in relationships that were arguably real. But this one genuinely did surprise me to some extent. I knew last night it was inevitable, but I still didn't really believe it. I mean, I honestly understand much of what Alex was saying and was even having some similar feelings in these waning weeks of communication with her, but my possible solutions usually involved things like talking it over and some crazier ideas to think about before calling it quits after we had 19 months invested in each other. Anyway, this is turning into complaining. All I will say is that I think the reasons she had were mostly logical and I wouldn't want her to fight these inexplicable feelings, but I would have liked to have some part in the decisive process.

There's little other news. But I've described the whole affair thrice already in varying degrees of detail and just wanted to put that synopsis out there to avoid future explanations. After 5 hours, I still am in love with her, which makes it difficult to do much of anything in this city where we have had memorable moments just about anywhere I can go. Tonight I have something to occupy my time (though it may be at Webster which I am now thinking might be the worst idea of all time) but if you have exciting things to do this week, I encourage you to let me know.

I'm going to miss the constant mess of Webster and the voyage into living with a new roommate there. But that's just the start of a lengthy, depressing list. I also picked a great time to have just told the story of our beginning, pineapple and all. Ugh, this post must end.

I'm such an ass.

So let's recap. When I was in Cleveland last week, I left my alarm clock. I needed to buy a new one anyway (I use 2), so I went to Target and bought one of the ones with actual bells that ring, hoping it would scare the poop out of my peacefully slumbering body and I would stay awake. Just in case, that didn't work, I set an alarm clock on my computer to fade in some Franz Ferdinand to serinade me awake. Anyway, yesterday, the bell alarm went off and I sleepily shut it off and returned promptly to my comforting pillow and warm bed. I forgot a little check mark on my computer program that tells my set alarm to actually go off, so I slept and slept until 11:58. I woke up and, knowing I had to be at work at noon, called the Video Collection. The girl, a nice girl I know from a variety of other places and at once may have respected me, told me she had to go, so she closed the collection for 15 min while I pedaled furiously.

All evening then, I was excited for my long-awaited day off work with no homework, no work, nothing to do but edit some videos, a long-awaited activity itself. I used to work Fridays, but then Jeff rehired this guy who used to work here and returned to Pgh unannounced and expecting employment and he took my Friday shift. So I make some muffins (which were delicious) and begin the preparations for my editing. At about 11:30, I suddenly remembered I had a haircut appointment today and looked to find it had been for 11am. I called and the slightly irritated haircut lady rescheduled. I was just about to begin something actually enjoyable when a thought out of nowhere flittered into my mind and panic started rushing through my body like poor people from a Bush rally.

Massa couldn't work today. I moved some appointments around because Jeff had asked me to work this Friday because no one else in the world could do it. "Maybe...it wasn't today," I thought, trying to scrape the bottom of the dignity barrel. So I called and when someone answered (it was now 1:30pm and I was again supposed to have been at work at noon), I was confused. "Umm...how late are you open today?" I asked in a mindless stupor. "Until about 2, and then I think we might reopen later," responded the equally confused girl. "Thank you," I responded, knowing full well the horrors I had now caused. Not only did I fuck up, but she, the same girl I had wronged the day before, had miserably stayed an extra hour and a half.

Again, I pedalled furiously, and got here. However, it was far too embarrassing to admit I had called and was confused to the point of asking how late we were open and then didn't correct myself at any point. So I made up a story close to the truth to explain how I had remembered, apologized profusely, and then worked for about 15min that I had signed her in for. She was pissed, and will almost assuredly stumble across this due to the addresses stored by Internet Pooplorer and loose any ounce of respect that might have been left.

Ah well. We only ever run into our coworkers here for a maximum of 1 min when shifts are changing. But that one minute might start sucking a lot. Why do I have an inability to remember things lately?!?

p.s. i forgot to bring ghost in the shell with me.

Quizzies!

Take my Quiz or I will eat your children!!!!

Up so close / I never get to see your face.

So much has happened all the time. I forgot to include in my last post about the end of my acting class. It was an interesting experience overall. Sometimes I felt I learned a lot, sometimes I felt like the professor told me a lot of stuff I already knew (one day he did an exercise I used in Earnest). But up until the last class, I felt like I was preventing myself from improving. I usually approached each monologue or scene like I was the one who had done the most acting, so I should be able to do really well. I then did pretty average most of the time, people in the class doing much better and people doing much worse. But finally on the last class, I stopped trying to compare myself to everyone and worrying about everything and to just do it. While I don't think it was amazing and I was the only person for whom the sound stopped recording, I really think it was the best I did all semester. Acting for the camera is hard, especially if you've acted on stage. I think.

Anyway, I just made a quiz. I'll post the link in a second. That was really fun though. I've made them before, but I think this one is pretty good.

I made a list of stuff I want to get done by the end of the summer. Then I wished I hadn't. There's so many things on it. Most of them are fun for some reason or another but there are just so many. And the important ones are less fun, so they are not getting done nearly as quickly. Man, this post kind of sucks.

Eyes Wide Shut.

Ok, this day has been absolutely crazy. First a small bit of backgound (though different from previous post because it relates to this one --- shut up).

Every day it seems like I come up with a really cool idea for SnS. Honestly, I have 4 proposal ideas. But the world is bittersweet in that 1) i don't have time to do them 2) SnS might not want to do them 3) this is the only time in my life where i likely could do at least some of them, but i can't. Oh well, I'm proposing something next year (meaning my senior year). Maybe another reason to stick around for a fifth year. Maybe a reason not to.

I also seem to be getting more and more ideas of incredible other things I could do if I ever had some fucking time. That seems to be a theme but I promise you this is a happy post.

Then today came. I left my alarm clock (the Shake Awake) in cleveland, so last night I set an alarm on my computer. Then I spent about an hour trying to find software that would call to wake me up for free. There was one thing that would call me every 3 minutes until I entered a PIN in the phone, but it was $3 a day. So I went to sleep. Then this morning I woke up to the sound of the woman putting the loud clangy wheelchair ramp over the stairs right outside my window and, assuming I slept in and the alarms didn't work, looked at my clock to see it was 10:22, 3 min before I had wanted to get up. At 10:25, I was still in bed and my phone rang. I was thinking, what the hell? Did I accidentally get something to call me right when I wanted to be called? It was a wrong number. But what are the chances that someone calls the wrong number, MY number right at 10:25 am? Seriously.

Then I get to work and there's this guy here. He asks about a lot of movies and I look them up. He's still here and so I ask, "are you teaching a class in the fall?" It turns out he's a new professor in the art department teaching a class called Introduction to Interactive Graphics. In his class, he teaches art students to use code to make film. In the hour that followed, he managed to give meaning and direction to my life. I honestly now feel that there is something in this world that I will be happy doing, whatever it might be. First, he studied under this guy named Marc Davis who is the head of a graduate program at Univ of Berkeley that is blending computing and film (no joke). He does research in metadata, attempting to allow computers to understand the language of film. He's combining both things I want to do with my life through a medium of language which has also interested me!! The dream is to have a computer be able to understand what a film is about and even make films that are tailored to the viewer's preferences. It's incredible. He's studying the language of film, it's syntax and grammar, so he can describe it electronically.

As if hope for my future career path isn't enough, there's more!! He has been to London. He lived there. He told me it is twice as expensive as NYC which is at least twice as expensive as Pittsburgh. He said I will pay $4.50 to get on the tube in London and wonder why it costs so much to be hot and miserable in the slowest train I've ever ridden in. Then he told me, this is the best part, I should go to India. Not only was I telling Ram but a week or so ago that I want to go to India, but this professor guy said that while I may or may not agree America is on the decline, the film industry of India is booming. So many many things are good about this proposition. Fulbright is very cery competitive to get to London, but not nearly as much to India. Further, Fulbright will eat up that proposal. It's everything they're about!!! I know this after reading the 100+ page information magazine. And he said even if I don't like the films or whatever, it would be an incredible experience, which is true.

He also told me what I all along knew to be somewhat true. Though I think the lure of film still might take me in, he said that if I went with my IS job to get money to make films plan it would turn into a I have a job let's not risk anything and then a I wish I had been a filmmaker plan.

I'm so excited. For life. And I'm totally going to either go to NYC or make some kind of film by the end of the summer. Maybe.

Blog mad lib.

I started a new post, but I haven't posted in a week. So I first will fill in the blanks.

Hmm...not a lot happened. Then was the weekend which was awesome. I did a lot of wedding stuff and hung out with my cousin Dan a lot. Which is awesome. Then I went to his wedding which was incredible. His toast to his wife honestly made my eyes water. It was so amazing. It was an "interfaith" marriage, so there were two officiators. Um, there's probably more to say, but I'd rather write the other post.