A new year's resolution.

So I was listening to this story on NPR about how to make good resolutions and they were talking about small resolutions, maybe even daily ones so you can assess progress. I have never really made a resolution, but I thought I might see how it goes.

My resolution is to tell someone I love him or her everyday. Or at least tell someone that I care about him or her or that he or she means a lot to me.

I am only posting this so that you don't get creeped out. I just think it feels so good to say, especially when there are so many people who deserve to hear it.

Damn good times.

What have I been doing with my breaks? Tonight was nothing like high school, but I realized why I was so happy my senior year. I have such good friends and it has been a long long time since I have talked to them this much. Someone who was arguably one of my best friends in high school I had literally not talked to in 18 months. How is this possible you might ask? There's a few reasons, but I assure you it happened.

On top of that all, I got a phone call from Chicken who I have yet to for reals talk to despite an attempt the past two nights, a text message that eased my social paranoia, and my friend Hannah now calls me her sweet prince :) All of this over cake that I helped make the frosting for! It still doesn't feel real this happiness, listening to the beatles on my iPod, driving home on empty streets.

I should read this when I am mopy again! Aargh, sleep.

Play the funeral march.

Well, the day has come at last. The day that I know at least one person has been eagerly awaiting. For the first time since at least 7th grade...

I received a B as a final grade.

My only having 4 classes this semester meant my qpa felt a wee blow. I normally say I don't care as long as I learn something. I didn't learn anything, because it was the stupidest class I ever took in my life and I hated every minute of it and the meniachal short little accusatory Mexican woman who taught it. But overall, I don't actually care about the B. In fact, I am quite proud of myself. At midsemester, I got a B in this class but my grade was at about 80% and I was worried I would get a C. I am not sure how I did on the final, but at worst I couldn't have missed the A by that much. So I am happy.

I also have an iPod and it has changed my life (I just bought an iTrip as well with holiday earnings :). I am going to be a TA next semester for a kick-ass class, I love my family, other happy things, etc. Do I question my place in the world and in my group of friends often? Yes. Do I spend half my days overthinking my life and what I want to do or be or want? Most definately. But the other half is filled with people who are too good to me, AIM convos, playing Betrayal until midnight, and incredibly interesting and enjoyable phone conversations with friends old and new. So fuck you too-close-to-college-graduation confusion!

random

i hate myself right now, but i love my life. mostly because i feel like i have never lived it before these past few weeks. how can next semester be anything but wonderful?

scott and katie: don't ever leave
nina: how do you continue to make me smile and feel like my life has meaning?
kaitlin: thanks for the best-timed hug i've gotten this semester. all of them.
mike: allowing me to come over all the time is about the nicest thing in the world
leslie: and to think i never used to talk to you
darren: you make it all make sense

this list is not exclusive, just the people i need to mention due to the past 24 or so hours.

the end.

I'll procrastinate later.

My last final was on last Tuesday. As of yesterday, I had not used one minute of all that time to study for my final that's today. Last night, I got home from CourtK's, which I left to study, and was awake for an hour and got no studying done whatsoever. I then set my alarm for 9am, decided I needed more time, so decided to change it to 8:30am. Unfortunately I changed the minutes and forgot to change the hour, so it went off at 9:30 and I got out of bed at 9:45. I have now been awake for about 45 min and have yet to start studying.

The worst part is, my grade in this class is, well, less than desirable. So I need to do well. And I'm sure the final would be easy if I studied. But it's felt like I was done for a week now, everyone else is done, I just can't get my mind back in the game. Maybe instead of taking my final, I'll go back to the WYSIWYG cluster in CFA!

College.

Well it took 2 and a half years, but I think I now know what college is. To me at least. In 20 years or 40 years, when I think back to college, perhaps this is what I will remember.

Now, to sleep under the watchful eye of Yu-gi.

i heart the world

ok, real quick. yesterday overall and on the whole could have possibly been my favorite day of the semester. do those exist? i don't know. my rating scheme isn't too rigorously defined. but i did no work, was asked by Mark Stehlik if i wanted to ta a 400 level cs class, talked to jeff hinkelman and sarah smith for about 45 min, learned how to lighting design (and in fact talked about lights the majority of the day), found a reinvigorated hope for theatrecraft, watched 2 episodes of clone high and one of home movies over delicious $18 indian food, and spent my evening in the loving clutches of wonderful sns folk. ok that wasn't so quick.

anyway, my real point is that i tried to take zach's quiz. the first question is:

1. Which is the most like you?
"I love a challenge and strive to conquer it at all costs"
"I dream of the perfect mate even though I am disappointed again and again by people"
"I love to philosophize and intellectualize things"
"I am very social - I call people even if they don't call me"
"I naturally take charge of most situations"
"I need the opportunity to try out new and innovative ideas"
"My main focus is relationships, family, and social gatherings"
"I often wonder if the grass may just be greener someplace else"
"I like company but feel I can be just as happy doing my own thing by myself"

I took out 3 possibilities and the last is marginal. But seriously, I feel like all of the remaining ones apply to me. What does that mean? I don't know, but I couldn't pick one.

Addendum

Am I doing the right thing or fucking everything up? I feel like I make some sacrifices for what I feel is "right," but who is to say? No one has conclusive advice or could possibly know the inner workings of my head, but these quandries just mount. I need some coffee shop time with a few people to sort my life out. Or maybe another trip to Rock Bottom :)

I remembered shortly before arriving here that it's Tuesday, which means I am supposed to work at 8am tomorrow. Good times.

Oooh...cryptic (but not really).

I don't feel like singling people out, so I'll do it in a roundabout, everyone knows anyway kind of way. If your initials are two of the following letters, I don't know what I would do without you (or i'm bad at puzzles):

kmslt

unexpectedly feeling good. so much tomorrow to deal with.

emo.

some lessons i have learned:

nothing is ever simple.
there are few things that last.
happiness is especially fleeting.
people change, over minutes and over months.
the masses have a mind of their own.
the solution to every problem leads only to establishing or remembering 10 more.

this is a bitter moment. others are not. if you think you know what some of these are about, you are almost certainly wrong. don't take it personally.

to prove it, here's some happy thoughts. i love:
* cranberry apple cider
* chanukah wishes from people who know i'm jewish
* the no parking players, and the opportunity i was given
* every npp member who played a game in a workshop i ran or show i planned
* the ever elusive npp stopwatch
* the structure and philosophy of npp which, after further reflection, is damn clever

sorry improv has sucked a lot of my mental attention lately. were my performances better than those under scott? were my workshops better than those under lisa? i can't imagine so, but it doesn't matter. i had the time of my life, i felt like i made some changes for the better, and i learned a number of valuable lessons (not those listed above). ah well, as a great man once said, "onwards and upwards."

4!!!!

You Are the Individualist

4 You are sensitive and intuitive, with others and yourself. You are creative and dreamy... plus dramatic and unpredictable. You're emotionally honest, real, and easily hurt. Totally expressive, others always know exactly how you feel.

What number are you?

Yay!! I don't know if it's true, but I love 4! It's the perfect number!

As big bird once said:

I just adore 4
it's plain to see
I just adore 4
It's the number...for me.

That's weird that I remember that.

Updates.

Too early to say. But I might not get any C's this semester!

It occurred to me a few days ago, but for the first time in this whole year of Artistic Directorship, I feel like it's just right. I need to be AD on Thursday and say the names of all the player's at 9:15 on Friday night, but I am ready then for it to be over. Not too soon, not too late. I did not do nearly all I thought I would do, but I did my best. I did everything I could do. I had fun and I really hope other people did.

Oh, then there's the rest of my life. I am just trying to reduce the 61 undealt with emails in my inbox and it's been crazy. There is literally about 800,000 personal issues I need to handle with care and love and have instead been ignoring due to sheer overwhelmededness. I also have some class work to do (Jesus Christo) and some internships to apply for and yadda yadda.

I probably miss you and could just generally use a good convo, however brief. So call me.

Chain of varying furtune.

I cannot tell a lie, I was a wee bit worried last night that on the walk from my sketchy-ass parking garage (a sketchy garage where asses park) to my apartment building, that my tiny, defenseless live flesh body would be viciously attacked by a lurking zombie. Mainly because, contrary to popular belief, they move very quickly (or at least they do in Dawn of the Dead).

Now as the events of last night transpired, apparently the combination of the late night and the fact that I was thinking more of ways to protect against the evil undead than setting my alarm, led me to remain sleeping until 9am this morning (I was supposed to work at 8) when I got a call from the American Heart Association to whom I have apparently donated money in the past. While I was (and am) still upset that they called me at 9am, it did allow me to wake up, realize it was 9am, and leave my apartment 7 min later. I was in Hunt by 9:25 and went to the front desk to see that someone had already checked out the Video key.

Lucky me, when I asked Jeff if I could not work my Monday or Wed shift this week, he found someone else and decided not to tell me. That's ok though (in fact quite lovely) because it meant I could get some work done this morning (instead of blogging of course) and I secretly hate my job, so I decided to walk over to Zebra lounge to get a delicious peanut butter brownie and tall glass of water and walk to the UC.

I was halfway through my brownie when it occurred to me that I am supposed to be fasting as of 2am last night in order to get blood drawn today for tests that require 12 hours of fasting. Well, you win some, you lose some.

For realz (with a z)

another debilitating headache, homework with ice on my head, and then an subsequently unexpectedly wonderful night. quite unusual for me, yet most enjoyable. and i have been slowly begun to realize how much you learn about your friends, loved ones, and aquaintences when you gossip all the time.

and i saw cake's pink vinyl! if you're reading this john mccrae, i heart you.

What the shit?

This is old. Blogger was down and I just got around to actually posting it.


What is up with today? All night last night, I kept waking up due to one (or both) of 2 factors:

1) The fact that since about 7pm last night, the act of swallowing the saliva my body naturally generates has become about the most painful thing I've done since that time. And it happens a lot.

2) My window being open a crack, thus letting floods of loud awning-flapping-in-the-crazy-wind noises waft in all the night long.

So I miserably wake up and decide to make some tea from factor 1) and close the window for factor 2). I make the tea, put some honey in, and bundle up assuming it is torrentially downpouring rain (hence all the wind and that) only to walk outside and see not a drop of water. Yes, it was really just wind.

I begin my 7:45am departure towards campus and am pleasantly surprised to find that it is light out and cold, but not too cold. Then the wind picked up and I found myself thinking, "This is a wee bit uncomfortable." Then the wind picked up again and I literally had to struggle against it to move my legs forward. It was like a freaking hurricane. This continued on and off for the entirety of my walk to campus. To add insult to injury, about halfway there I realized I left my delicious and most soothing portable warming mug of tea at home. .